I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i came on her dog
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We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
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I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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