Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
