Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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