I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
