i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
