Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
