If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
