You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
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i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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