Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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