I think my fart just growled at me.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
