i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
