please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
My breasts were aching with rage.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
