hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
