Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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