ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
