You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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