I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
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my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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