Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
