i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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