My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
