dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
