My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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