if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Michael Bay diarrhea
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
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