If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
