My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
