i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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