I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
