get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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