Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
