I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
