shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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