I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Randomize
