I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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