why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
