the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
The uberlube is also flammable
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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