hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
