I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I see more hoeing in ur future
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