the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
