blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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