So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
