I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
