Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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