My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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