I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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