I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
