You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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