Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
