Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
