i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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