It's like a parade of train wrecks.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
