Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
