just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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