I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
