You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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