My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
