I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
