when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
