I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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