The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
