Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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