new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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