It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
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I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
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There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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