So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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