You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
