If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
