you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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