dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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