my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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