So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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